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Category: Social Media (Page 2 of 4)

“The Talk” Isn’t Enough

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During a recent presentation to parents on the problems surrounding pornography (which I’ll be sharing more of in the weeks to come) a fellow presenter made this statement:

“Gone are the days of the one and done Talk.”

I want to tell you this is absolutely true.

The infamous “talk” about the birds and bees doesn’t work.

It can’t be one and done.  It must be something different.

  • Studies will tell you the number one voice that is educating our kids about sexuality is the internet.
  • The average age a child see pornography for the first time is 11 years old.
  • Social media has created unique situations for students to navigate that they aren’t equipped to handle.

By the time you get the courage to share “the talk”, your son or daughter might already have been educated.  The words you share are not being heard fresh, but being filtered through what they think they already know.

On the ground level working with adolescents, I can tell you that I’ve seen plenty to believe the above.  As a parent, I want to invite you to view this conversation differently.

Gone are the days of “the talk”.  Instead, “the talk” is an ongoing conversation.
A conversation starting as early as 2 years old!

HOW TO HAVE AN ONGOING CONVERSATION

You may have heard the analogy that kids brains are like sponges.  I haven’t researched this scientifically, but I think this is helpful.

Imagine that you wait to have “the talk” when they are 15.  As you begin to share, they are filtering everything you say through what they have already heard, seen, or experienced.  The internet, their friends, stories of sexting or taking pictures for your boyfriend/girlfriend have already been taking up space in their brain.  Your words are clashing against those and your son or daughter is trying to reconcile it all.

Now imagine you start when they are 2 and you share them the appropriate names of body parts.
As they move into elementary age, you start to share about appropriate boundaries and privacy.  You talk to them about what makes them who they are and it’s not just looks or what people see on the outside.
Late elementary and into middle school, you begin to start talking about sexual systems, how their body is changing, and relationships with the opposite sex.
As they are leaving middle school and entering high school, you have laid the ground work and you at this point – you engage.  You hear about something, you talk to them about it.  They ask you a question, you do your best to answer.  You continue all the conversations you’ve already had and you take it a step further.

Does this make you nervous, don’t be.  Remember their brains are like sponges, so…

Now when they hear the conversations or see things on the internet, they are filtering that against what you have already told them.  They are making decisions weighing the content of what you have already taught them and not just what they are seeing or hearing from friends and culture.  If their brain is a sponge, it’s already pretty full and doesn’t have much room for the other stuff.

SO…

  • When your middle school daughter is being asked over text to send a boy a picture of herself in her underwear, she understands boundaries and relationships and can make a better decision.
    (I’ve recently read articles where girls are sharing these photos not because of any sexual desire, but simply other social pressures.  Parents of sons and daughters let’s talk about this directly!)
  • When your son sees pornography, he is not internalizing – “this must be what sex is like”, but has heard from you what sex is and what a loving relationship is like.

Gone are the days of the one and done talk.  It’s time to get in the game.  Don’t be afraid.  You will want to hesitate, postpone, or save it for another day.

Don’t.

Go ahead and talk about it.

Your kids need you to.

 

Parenting Technology: Why Fairness Doesn’t Matter

As a parent of young kids, I realize that I will be part of a new frontier of parenting – mainly, from the moment my kids can go online they will begin to build a digital footprint specific to them.  I need to help them understand this from a very young age.  This next generation and the current one need to be incredibly thoughtful about how they help their kids navigate this ever-changing and ever-challenging world of technology.

If you haven’t thought about your child’s usage of technology or how to put helpful parameters up to protect and created strategies to help grow them to maturity around this issue, I highly encourage you to stop now and consider it.  (If you need some help, you can go here:  Raising Kids in the Digital Age and Get Off Your Phone! A Few Tips for Restricting the Use of Technology)

I ran across a great post by Kara Powell, “Why Technology is the One Area of Our Family that’s Not Fair.”  She shares this about her family’s practice –

We try to keep things “fair” among our kids. At least sort of.

Nathan started making his own lunch in second grade. When Krista and Jessica entered second grade, we expected the same of them.

Krista got her ears pierced when she was ten. When Jessica turns ten, she will have that same opportunity.

We’re not always perfect. Far from it. But we don’t want our kids to think we play favorites.

But we’ve told all our kids that technology won’t be fair.

Just because Nathan was allowed to set up a Facebook account when he turned 13 doesn’t mean the girls will get the same social media access.

Even though Nathan got a smart phone when he turned 14 (he was one of the last kids in his grade to get one), Krista shouldn’t assume one will head her way when she hits that age. Nor should Jessica.

When it comes to technology, we’ve told our kids that they need to show us they are responsible.

There are two types of responsibility.

 
The first is taking care of your devices.
And for our child who left their “dumb phone” (as they call it) in their shorts and it went through our washing machine, you lost some responsibility points that day. (And yes, that child had to spend their own money to replace that phone, which luckily for them, wasn’t all that expensive).

But that’s the easier type of responsibility. It’s pretty clear-cut for everyone.

The second type of responsibility—showing us you make good choices in how you use technology and digital media—is much tougher. For our kids. And for us.

Some of the questions we’re discerning as we assess their progress in that type of responsibility are:

  • Do you obey the guidelines that our family has agreed upon in terms of when, how, and where you can use your devices?
  • Do you have a history of making good decisions when new temptations or opportunities arise that we don’t have rules about?
  • Is your technology helping or hindering your relationships with our family? I love it when my two older kids text me. I hate it when I’m trying to talk to my kids and I can tell they are distracted by the presence of their devices (even if they aren’t on their devices, if those devices are nearby, they still have a strong gravitational pull).
  • Is the way you use technology affecting your homework or chores? One of our children had been skyping with friends while doing homework. Social life benefitted, but grades suffered. So the rule with that child is now “no skyping until homework is done.” We haven’t set up that rule with the other two. They haven’t seemed to need it. So far.

Parents, be fair in other areas. But you do not need to be fair with your child’s exposure to technology and digital media. The stakes are too high. Know each child and create the best support and boundaries for them individually.

What else do you do to try to assess if your kid’s ready for the social media portal or device they are begging for?

– See more at: https://fulleryouthinstitute.org/blog/why-technology-is-the-one-area?utm_source=E-Journal+%2F+Parent+Update&utm_campaign=0645f9ae22-FYI+E-Journal+June+11+2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_e88a54a953-0645f9ae22-312799030#sthash.FbyiVxNh.dpuf

I’m curious, how have you handled this in your family?  Do you agree that when it comes to technology -“one size doesn’t fit all”?  What parameters have you set in place for your child to protect them and to grow them in regards to technology?

Get Off Your Phone! A Few Tips for Restricting the Use of Technology.

With summer looming and idle time high for many students, we are re-posting this popular series, Raising Kids in the Digital Age.  This is part 3 of 3.  Feel free to check out part 1 here and part 2 here.  

Just to recap, we started this series inviting you to “imagine the end”.  Your child is now out from your house and on their way to adulthood.  You have been raising them all these years for this moment; to help launch them into adulthood.  But before we get into restrictions related to technology we have to go back and remember why we are doing this.  Here’s a great quote to remind us:

“Don’t forget the end game:  As parents of teenagers, we are trying to raise adults.  We’re more interested in wisdom than compliance, more interested in responsibility than in high walls of protection, and more interested in healthy parent/teen communication than maintaining a veneer of good appearances.”

Mark Oestreicher and Adam McLane

The goal is that as our children sit in their college dorm room or venture out into to life on their own, they are ready for the moment.  This isn’t about control, this is about preparation and wisdom.  If we wait to give kids the power to decide and learn from their mistakes until they leave our home, then we have waited way too long.

Of course, life might be easier if we make sure they only make the choices we want them to make, but that is not what we are interested in here.  We want to give them the opportunity to try and fail under our guidance.  If we wait to give them the power to choose when they are 18 and on their own, then the stakes are much higher.
(However – and this is just one man’s opinion – You may choose to stick with the “until your 18 and out of the house, you have to do what I say” approach, but we all know what happens when they turn 18.)

So, now we are on the same page – regulation is about building wisdom and guiding them towards adulthood – so, let’s get into some practical ideas.

Here’s a few words of warning to consider as we begin:

1.  Be careful about confrontation.  As much as possible try to make this a mutual experience.  If they perceive this is about control, most likely they will shut down and continue doing what they are doing in secret.

2.  Secondly, I’m not discussing internet safety here and it would be worth your time to look into that as well.

3.  Finally, know that no perfect parents are needed for this process.  All you need is to be willing to enter into the mix.   It may not be easy, but it’s worth it to be engaged.

FIVE SUGGESTIONS FOR REGULATION:

  • Make Access to Social Media a Rite of Passage.  Set an age for when they can access certain social media and celebrate it.  Work with them to set up their profiles and accounts and use your conversations surrounding it to teach them what you think is important.  If you start this process together, it will be easier to stay engaged.
  • Create a Family Agreement.  Work together on this document and make decisions with your child.  The more this can be mutually shared, the better the results will be.  Remember our survey from part 1 – (how kids thought their parents were just as addicted…) – there might be some rules you create for yourself as a part of this process.  Ultimately, this document should reflect you protecting them as a child and fostering their movement toward adulthood.
  • Require Them to Give You Their Passwords and Periodically Check on Them.  Typically, “the more secretive the practice, the more dangerous the situation.”  This goes for you as well!  Don’t make your checking on them a secret.  You may do this often when they are just getting started and not at all when they are 17/18.
  • Check In Devices at Bedtime.  Kids need sleep and temptation is often worse at night.  I realized in preparing for this that I often spend time on my phone right when I wake up and right before I go to bed.  Since then, I have purchased an alarm clock to get my phone off my nightstand.
  • Consider Regulating Screen Time Alone in Their Rooms.  This falls in line with the other suggestions above, but worth considering on it’s own.  Determine what is allowed and what isn’t and stick to it!
  • BONUS SUGGESTION:  Have a No Tech Hour or Day!  Take a sabbatical together.  Make it a day where you do something out of the ordinary and everyone leaves technology at home.  You too, parents!

Will this be easy…not necessarily, especially if your kids are already immersed in it.  However, it is worth it to be engaged.  Take some time and figure out what you would like this to look like in your home and then get in the game!

 

If you have any great suggestions on this topic, feel free to post them in the comments section.

Raising Kids in the Digital Age part 3 (a)

Raising Kids in the Digital Age part 3 (b)

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