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Category: Technology (Page 3 of 5)

Get Off Your Phone! A Few Tips for Restricting the Use of Technology.

With summer looming and idle time high for many students, we are re-posting this popular series, Raising Kids in the Digital Age.  This is part 3 of 3.  Feel free to check out part 1 here and part 2 here.  

Just to recap, we started this series inviting you to “imagine the end”.  Your child is now out from your house and on their way to adulthood.  You have been raising them all these years for this moment; to help launch them into adulthood.  But before we get into restrictions related to technology we have to go back and remember why we are doing this.  Here’s a great quote to remind us:

“Don’t forget the end game:  As parents of teenagers, we are trying to raise adults.  We’re more interested in wisdom than compliance, more interested in responsibility than in high walls of protection, and more interested in healthy parent/teen communication than maintaining a veneer of good appearances.”

Mark Oestreicher and Adam McLane

The goal is that as our children sit in their college dorm room or venture out into to life on their own, they are ready for the moment.  This isn’t about control, this is about preparation and wisdom.  If we wait to give kids the power to decide and learn from their mistakes until they leave our home, then we have waited way too long.

Of course, life might be easier if we make sure they only make the choices we want them to make, but that is not what we are interested in here.  We want to give them the opportunity to try and fail under our guidance.  If we wait to give them the power to choose when they are 18 and on their own, then the stakes are much higher.
(However – and this is just one man’s opinion – You may choose to stick with the “until your 18 and out of the house, you have to do what I say” approach, but we all know what happens when they turn 18.)

So, now we are on the same page – regulation is about building wisdom and guiding them towards adulthood – so, let’s get into some practical ideas.

Here’s a few words of warning to consider as we begin:

1.  Be careful about confrontation.  As much as possible try to make this a mutual experience.  If they perceive this is about control, most likely they will shut down and continue doing what they are doing in secret.

2.  Secondly, I’m not discussing internet safety here and it would be worth your time to look into that as well.

3.  Finally, know that no perfect parents are needed for this process.  All you need is to be willing to enter into the mix.   It may not be easy, but it’s worth it to be engaged.

FIVE SUGGESTIONS FOR REGULATION:

  • Make Access to Social Media a Rite of Passage.  Set an age for when they can access certain social media and celebrate it.  Work with them to set up their profiles and accounts and use your conversations surrounding it to teach them what you think is important.  If you start this process together, it will be easier to stay engaged.
  • Create a Family Agreement.  Work together on this document and make decisions with your child.  The more this can be mutually shared, the better the results will be.  Remember our survey from part 1 – (how kids thought their parents were just as addicted…) – there might be some rules you create for yourself as a part of this process.  Ultimately, this document should reflect you protecting them as a child and fostering their movement toward adulthood.
  • Require Them to Give You Their Passwords and Periodically Check on Them.  Typically, “the more secretive the practice, the more dangerous the situation.”  This goes for you as well!  Don’t make your checking on them a secret.  You may do this often when they are just getting started and not at all when they are 17/18.
  • Check In Devices at Bedtime.  Kids need sleep and temptation is often worse at night.  I realized in preparing for this that I often spend time on my phone right when I wake up and right before I go to bed.  Since then, I have purchased an alarm clock to get my phone off my nightstand.
  • Consider Regulating Screen Time Alone in Their Rooms.  This falls in line with the other suggestions above, but worth considering on it’s own.  Determine what is allowed and what isn’t and stick to it!
  • BONUS SUGGESTION:  Have a No Tech Hour or Day!  Take a sabbatical together.  Make it a day where you do something out of the ordinary and everyone leaves technology at home.  You too, parents!

Will this be easy…not necessarily, especially if your kids are already immersed in it.  However, it is worth it to be engaged.  Take some time and figure out what you would like this to look like in your home and then get in the game!

 

If you have any great suggestions on this topic, feel free to post them in the comments section.

Raising Kids in the Digital Age part 3 (a)

Raising Kids in the Digital Age part 3 (b)

Raising Kids in the Digital Age – Repost

With summer coming and idle time high for many students, I thought it might be a good time to post this series originally posted in April of last year.  Raising Kids in the Digital Age was a parent seminar we did on our student’s relationship with technology!  No one is immune to this topic…so, as you read, I’m going to go break up the fight between my kids (5 & under) who are arguing over who gets to hold the iPad.

Recently, I was part of a parent workshop on “Raising Kids in the Digital Age”.   Here is recap of that seminar in three parts.

Social media, smartphones, and tablets are a part of the fabric of everyday life for a majority of folks. We  conducted a survey of 70 middle and high school students in our community in regards to their usage.  Here’s a few highlights:

  • 90% of students have a smartphone (93% HS, 86% MS)
  • Use of Social Media grows exponentially from MS to HS
  • 71% of our MS students check Social Media less than 5x a day
  • 70% of our HS students check Social Media more than 5x a day, 50% say they more than 10x a day.
  • Instagram and Snapchat are most popular among our students
  • 35% of students say Facebook is “not so cool anymore”

When asked if they were “addicted” (no definition of ‘addicted’ was given)

  • 54% addicted to cell phone
  • 32% addicted to a social media site
  • 34% addicted to laptop/tablet/computer

When asked if their parents were “addicted”

  • 42% said parents addicted to cell phone
  • 21% said parents addicted to social media
  • 40% said parents addicted to laptop/tablet/computer

This is all best illustrated with this ad:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0-wD0AoIAY

IMAGINE THE END

Now, before we go any further, let’s frame the conversation.  Take a moment to look in the future and imagine the end.  Imagine where your child is going to end up.  In the future, your child is now 18/19 and is no longer under your roof.  They are mostly on their own (though not financially most likely).

How have you prepared them for this moment?
What matters most at this point?
In regards to technology, are their elements of their current behavior that could affect their future?

To get our kids to a healthy place by the time they leave the nest we need a goal.  Might I suggest a simple goal that most of us will agree is worthwhile?

Our goal for our kids is that they become mature, Jesus-following adults. 

We want our kids to grow in wisdom and in relationships.  We want them to live lives that honor Christ, not just simply follow a set of rules or behaviors.

Here’s a great quote to help us think about this:

“Don’t forget the end game:  As parents of teenagers, we are trying to raise adults.  We’re more interested in wisdom than compliance, more interested in responsibility than in high walls of protection, and more interested in healthy parent/teen communication than maintaining a veneer of good appearances.”  – Mark Oestreicher and Adam McLane

So as we start to think about how to deal with the new realities of the digital age, let’s take a quick look at the process of adolescence.  This is where kids are developmentally and has some significant insight into how we regulate or approach this topic.

TECHNOLOGY AND ADOLESCENCE

This is very simplistic, but I’m going to pull out 3 developmental tasks of adolescence that developmental psychology identifies.  In order to become an adult you must work through these 3 tasks:

Identity – Who am I?
Autonomy – What is my power?  Self-sufficiency/self-governing
Belonging – Where do I fit?
(You may have an idea that this process of adolescence ends around 18, but you may surprised to know that many psychologists and developmental experts say that adolescence now extends into the mid-twenties!) 

Think about this process for a minute.  You are trying to answer these questions, which is an isolating task because it’s up to the individual.  At the same time, you are taking in input constantly from family, friends, and authority figures about who you are and/or who you should be.  It’s an interesting dynamic.  Social Media only intensifies this dynamic.  

Again, your child is navigating the teen years trying to answer the above 3 questions.  They are searching Instagram and other forms of social media for validation and answers to these questions.  They are testing the waters of identity by trying on different selves – possibly different selves in different settings.  Many times the online version is different than the real life version as a part of this process.

So, before we move on to pro’s and con’s of technology and how to regulate it’s usage – because I think the above has significant implications on how we consider this whole topic –  think about the following questions:

As you imagine your son or daughter sitting in their college dorm for the first time, what things in regards to the 3 tasks of adolescence do you hope to have communicated?

How do you see usage of technology and social media interacting with these questions?  Is a positive contribution or a negative one?

Consider again the quote by Mark and Adam above, how do we teach wisdom over compliance?  How do we fight the urge to build high walls of protection and instead figure out ways to come alongside our adolescences to give them what they need to become adults?

In the next 2 posts, we will look at the pro’s and con’s of technology and we will also discuss how parents can regulate their kids usage of technology.

 

 

Mark and Adam wrote a great book that was a companion for us as we put this presentation together.  You can check it out here:

Here’s a link to the video of part 1 of the session.  It’s broken into 2 parts:
Raising Kids in the Digital Age Part 1 (a)

Raising Kids in the Digital Age Part 1 (b)

A Quick Look In the Mirror

And that’s when I knew I had a problem.

My 2 year old was running towards me in a panic, “Daddy, Daddy!  You’re Phone!”  “What’s wrong?”, I asked.  “You need to put it in your pocket!” she emphatically responded.

My daughter had, through observation of my behavior, come to the conclusion that I was not complete without my cell phone attached to me in some way.  It was as much a part of me as anything else she observed.  It was a deep concern for my well-being that told her an immediate reaction was necessary when she found my phone on my nightstand and I was in the other room.

This became a consistent pattern and had me thinking about what I was modeling to my  very new-to-the-world daughter.  What have I already shown her about the way the world works?  Did I just screw myself for the teenage years?  Now when she has a phone attached to her and won’t pay attention to her family, is there where it all began?  

The folks over at Fuller Youth Institute just shared some research I think you will find worth your time to read.  They interviewed “50 amazing parents” and published a book based on their findings in relation to what they call “Sticky Faith”.  Basically, faith that stands the test of time.  Faith that sticks long after the kids leave the nest.

If you’re interested in the book, you can find it here: The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family: Over 100 Practical and Tested Ideas to Build Lasting Faith in Kids

Here’s a portion of what they found when it comes to technology use in the home:

One of the most dominant themes in our fifty parents’ descriptions of their homes is that they limit their kids’ use of technology.

These boundaries are needed because of the way young people today are marinated in media.

Let’s consider together a generation whose lives are heavily flavored by technology:

• Fifty-eight percent of this generation possess a desktop computer.

• Sixty-one percent own a laptop.

• Eighteen percent use a tablet or e-reader.

But the real king of all technology is the device in their pocket. Almost 90 percent of this generation carry a cell phone. 1

When asked to describe their cell phone in one word, this generation answered, “Awesome,” “Great,” “Good,” “Love,” “Excellent,” “Useful,” and “Convenient.” 2

You might be thinking that some of those words don’t sound very adolescent. Especially the words useful and convenient. That’s because the generation I’m describing isn’t teenagers. It’s adults.

Are young people avid users of technology? You bet. But the data suggests that while teenagers may be digital natives, we adults are fast-adapting digital immigrants. Before we judge teenagers for their quick-texting thumbs and seemingly permanent earbuds, we adults need to put down our smartphones and think about our own media consumption.

Eighty-three percent of young people are involved in social networking. So are 77 percent of their parents. 3

– See more of the article here:  Parents’ Smartphones:  Sticky Faith Builder or Breaker?

When I read this article, it was just like my 2 yr old running up to me again.  For a time, I was very cognizant of how I was using technology.  My wife and I even discussed a “technology basket” where we dropped our phones or iPads when we were in the family room with the girls.  This is especially important when we get home from work and they so greatly desire our attention.

I hate to admit it, but the conviction has waned and the old habits resurfaced.

What about you?  Do you feel like you have adopted the same practices you complain that your children have?  Do you feel like technology is hampering your communication?  Or you may feel like technology has improved your communication?

Either way, I think it is important to evaluate our relationship with technology from time to time.  I know I need to.  I encourage you to take some time this week and evaluate the role of technology in your home to see what you find.

If you feel the need to make some changes, I’ve written on ideas for restricting technology use and you can find those thoughts here:  Raising Kids in the Digital Age – Part 3

I would encourage you to read part 1 of the series as well, so you can understand the heart behind the restrictions.    (I mention the use of a family agreement in the restrictions.  Here’s an article with an example of one family’s contract with their son – http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/blog/cell-phone-contract)

Feel free to share how you’ve navigated these waters in your own family in the comments below!

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